just feel weepy

[fflo]

Wish I could tell whether I'm pre-menstrual.

I got plenty of sleep last night, and I've had caffeine. Just bloody sad, and can't shake it. Could sob at the drop of a hat.

I can't hang it all on talking to H's sister (though I can't think about that for long without being overcome by grief), or on the unfortunate thought I had today that work is pretty much my life at this point. Well, apart from housework & yardwork, and the financial miasma/quicksand, and the remaining interaction necessary with Her Who Could Have Done This So Much Better (And Still Could) (but I'm about to give up on the last bit of hope there---and may even end up, after all, joining the others in her past who think of her primarily as the cause of a nasty wound from which they may've mostly healed, but there's a scar, here, look; gruesome, isn't it).

The telephone, and the occasional e-mail or blog blip, and of course actual social activity with actual people---these do pick me up while they're going on, but they drop me right the hell back down when they're done. I'm not liking what it's like when it's quiet. Not at all. And that's pretty disturbing. How can I go back to yoga, inspired by radicalteacher's use of "yogarific," if I can't stand silence and my own company?

I realized today, too, that I had the wrong date in my head & missed a fun surprise party Saturday.

I need a shot in the arm. Any suggestions? Or pushers? Perhaps it's time to reconsider the life-long resistance to heroin addiction. Seriously! It's a literal shot in the arm!! I think a sustained opiate phase might be just the ticket about now. Well, later this week. Or maybe after the next houseguests leave. (It could freak 'em out a little.)

Damn if I'm not having trouble enjoying looking forward to them, even. Though I know I'll have a fine & transporting time while they're here. But then they'll leave & it'll be Mudville all over again.

Sounds like depression, huh.

What is that idea, that definition of depression as anger turned inward? Or something else, turned against one's self? Who said that to me? It seemed like it might be useful next time the bell jar descended....

Comments

[anderyn.livejournal.com]

Let me just say here that you might want to consider going on the chemical anti-depressants for a short while (like six months?) while the breakup down-ness continues -- this has worked for other friends who were very unhappy with their surprise "I don't want to be with you anymore" partners. At least one of them was very resistant to the idea but it helped him a lot to deal with the worst of it and not make everything worse. Maybe I'm off base, but I do think that a short-term use is not a bad thing if it helps you deal through the nasty slog. (I am stuck with a long-term use, myself, given my unfortunate reaction to the blood-pressure meds.)

[anderyn.livejournal.com]

Continuing... it's not terribly expensive with the lovely insurance, either. If that's a concern. I know a lot of people think dealing without the drugs is important, but being able to cope and get things done and not break down (too badly) when you're alone can be a big big factor in making it through. Just my .02 because I want you to make it without undue sadness.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Ah, T. Thanks, girl. I fear sadness may be due, though, you know? I just am beginning to wonder whether I'm going to be able to outlast it after all. I mean, CRAP, I feel pretty good physically---better than I have in a long time, and getting better all the time. The irony! Ach! Yeah, I got cher irony right here, I do. Plenty. Another: I'm living in the coolest place I've ever lived, but it's got a river of pain running through the rooms, and it may not be damaging the re-finished floors, cuz they've got three layers of finish on 'em, but it's mucking it up pretty good otherwise; it's probably the peak I'll ever achieve in domestic situations, and I can't even enjoy it fully.

I could go on (started to, in fact), but I've got work to get back to. Besides, what fun is it to read more of me whining.

BTW, I'm not beyond considering chemicals, but I'm kinda Bartleby on that one still.

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

Laughter is good for depression, right? Because, well . . . this will only work if you can make the time to read it all without getting impatient, so don't start until you've got a nice big block of time free. It started out kind of slow, and I was wondering why it had been recommended with so much enthusiasm, particularly because I was feeling a bit antagonistic toward the author for his one-sided criticism of his girlfriend and how he clearly omitted her version of what happened. However, it got progressively better the longer I kept reading it (not simply because the beginning, strictly speaking, had been less good, but more that you have to read a bunch of it at once before it really starts to have its full effects) and by the time I finished reading Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About (http://www.mil-millington.com), I was laughing more uncontrollably hysterically than I have in years.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Thanks, G! I'll save it for a good hunk o' time, maybe tonight.

[wednes.livejournal.com]

I often find the whole "depression is anger turned inward" assertion is a good starting point toward figuring out what is wrong with me when I get too depressed to function. I often feel just on the brink of that, even when things are going well.

But when I sit down and make a list of all the things I want to change and how much progress I've made, I can come away feeling a bit better. On the other hand, if I make a list of all the terrible things i've endured up till this point in my life, and just how far I've come, i end up feeling damn good.

Life is muchly about the love. And the more love you get, the more that eventually comes back. Sappy I know, but I swear its true.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Wednes, I'm really glad I came across you out there in blogland. Maybe I'll make some lists tonight.

(Hey, and I can pay you therapist rates for your input, and you won't NEED to get a job for a while!)

(Do you take credit cards??)

[wednes.livejournal.com]

That's funny! I used to be set up to take credit cards, as I was a long time phonesex gal.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

I considered that field for a time myself, but I'm kinda glad I never did it.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

By which, I should say, I don't mean anything judgmental about the gig. It's just that I'm already occasionally haunted a little in a way that feels creepy by some of the stories of clients of friends in that industry---so I figure if I had taken hundreds of those calls I'd have more of those sorta icky memories. (Of course maybe it'd just have made 'em all roll right off me, they'd be so commonplace.)

Anyway. That.

[groovesinorbit]

You're in a tough spot, you are. No question. And depression is a logical response. It's going to be a roller coaster for a while still, I imagine, but things will get better.

What'cha doin' tonight? I'll call ya.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

I reckon I'm taking your call!

[groovesinorbit]

Cool. Say about 9 or so?

[fflo.livejournal.com]

I'll be a-waitin'!

Life is like a roller coaster

[maffick.livejournal.com]

I make the title analogy most likely b/c I have just returned from a theme park, but it is true. I wish that I could take your pain away, but I know that I can't and neither can anybody else, really. You have to find the strength within yourself that you know is there that will allow you to overcome this pain. You're such a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful person. Know that what I say is true and know that once you have the capacity to love, you will love again.
Just my personal perspective, but nostalgia is way over-rated. When you cling to things, they just sit there collecting dust, making it impossible for you to find room to move new things in--when I think of how much I would miss, if I kept it all?!
I agree with the two previous comments to my own. Please just remember how special you are and how much you have to offer others and yourself. It's hard to find quiet inside, especially when one is having so much emotional unrest, but if it's not hard--it's not worth doing%)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
So glad that you were born.
Peace.

Re: Life is like a roller coaster

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Wow. What a nice comment! You're just encouraging me to get all self-pity-y in here, you know! No, seriously... Now I'm glad you had a break time & I decided to check lj since we're not going over that stuff for a few minutes.

Thanks for the argument against nostalgia, too. I can't hear that enough.

I know it's corny, but I think you hit the nail on the head about needing to regain the capacity to love: it's like my heart still isn't my own to give, and I don't know how long it'll be until I have a 2/3 majority of the shares again (or whatever the corporate analogy would be).

Re: Life is like a roller coaster

[groovesinorbit]

Excellent post, S. Good thoughts, all of them, especially about nostalgia.

re. maffick's comment above

[sprig5.livejournal.com]

a most awesome post, maffick. thanks. i think i and others can get something out of it too.

Re: re. maffick's comment above

[fflo.livejournal.com]

yeah, seriously.

Remember you should click on "reply to this" under the person's comment, though, if you want a notice of it to go to that person (and then your comment is cascaded under that one).

Re: re. maffick's comment above

[sprig5.livejournal.com]

thanks, l. i think i did both. in fact, i think i sent the comment directly to maffick 3x or so before i realized why it wasn't appearing on the webpage.

Re: re. maffick's comment above

[fflo.livejournal.com]

That's funny---it should have been appearing here. Dunno what went down there.

Re: re. maffick's comment above

[groovesinorbit]

the wonders of lj.

[vjsmom.livejournal.com]

Shit--I missed a few days of talking to you and of logging on--didn't know all this was going on. You seem to be doing somwhat better, on the phone at least, and I'm glad for that. You got lots of wise words from lj friends, and I'm glad for that too.

I'll talk to you tonight. I should be home for most, if not all, of the evening.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it was great to get such a rallying to boost me.

I'll talk to you soon!