just feel weepy

[fflo]

Wish I could tell whether I'm pre-menstrual.

I got plenty of sleep last night, and I've had caffeine. Just bloody sad, and can't shake it. Could sob at the drop of a hat.

I can't hang it all on talking to H's sister (though I can't think about that for long without being overcome by grief), or on the unfortunate thought I had today that work is pretty much my life at this point. Well, apart from housework & yardwork, and the financial miasma/quicksand, and the remaining interaction necessary with Her Who Could Have Done This So Much Better (And Still Could) (but I'm about to give up on the last bit of hope there---and may even end up, after all, joining the others in her past who think of her primarily as the cause of a nasty wound from which they may've mostly healed, but there's a scar, here, look; gruesome, isn't it).

The telephone, and the occasional e-mail or blog blip, and of course actual social activity with actual people---these do pick me up while they're going on, but they drop me right the hell back down when they're done. I'm not liking what it's like when it's quiet. Not at all. And that's pretty disturbing. How can I go back to yoga, inspired by radicalteacher's use of "yogarific," if I can't stand silence and my own company?

I realized today, too, that I had the wrong date in my head & missed a fun surprise party Saturday.

I need a shot in the arm. Any suggestions? Or pushers? Perhaps it's time to reconsider the life-long resistance to heroin addiction. Seriously! It's a literal shot in the arm!! I think a sustained opiate phase might be just the ticket about now. Well, later this week. Or maybe after the next houseguests leave. (It could freak 'em out a little.)

Damn if I'm not having trouble enjoying looking forward to them, even. Though I know I'll have a fine & transporting time while they're here. But then they'll leave & it'll be Mudville all over again.

Sounds like depression, huh.

What is that idea, that definition of depression as anger turned inward? Or something else, turned against one's self? Who said that to me? It seemed like it might be useful next time the bell jar descended....

Comments

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Ah, T. Thanks, girl. I fear sadness may be due, though, you know? I just am beginning to wonder whether I'm going to be able to outlast it after all. I mean, CRAP, I feel pretty good physically---better than I have in a long time, and getting better all the time. The irony! Ach! Yeah, I got cher irony right here, I do. Plenty. Another: I'm living in the coolest place I've ever lived, but it's got a river of pain running through the rooms, and it may not be damaging the re-finished floors, cuz they've got three layers of finish on 'em, but it's mucking it up pretty good otherwise; it's probably the peak I'll ever achieve in domestic situations, and I can't even enjoy it fully.

I could go on (started to, in fact), but I've got work to get back to. Besides, what fun is it to read more of me whining.

BTW, I'm not beyond considering chemicals, but I'm kinda Bartleby on that one still.