just feel weepy

[fflo]

Wish I could tell whether I'm pre-menstrual.

I got plenty of sleep last night, and I've had caffeine. Just bloody sad, and can't shake it. Could sob at the drop of a hat.

I can't hang it all on talking to H's sister (though I can't think about that for long without being overcome by grief), or on the unfortunate thought I had today that work is pretty much my life at this point. Well, apart from housework & yardwork, and the financial miasma/quicksand, and the remaining interaction necessary with Her Who Could Have Done This So Much Better (And Still Could) (but I'm about to give up on the last bit of hope there---and may even end up, after all, joining the others in her past who think of her primarily as the cause of a nasty wound from which they may've mostly healed, but there's a scar, here, look; gruesome, isn't it).

The telephone, and the occasional e-mail or blog blip, and of course actual social activity with actual people---these do pick me up while they're going on, but they drop me right the hell back down when they're done. I'm not liking what it's like when it's quiet. Not at all. And that's pretty disturbing. How can I go back to yoga, inspired by radicalteacher's use of "yogarific," if I can't stand silence and my own company?

I realized today, too, that I had the wrong date in my head & missed a fun surprise party Saturday.

I need a shot in the arm. Any suggestions? Or pushers? Perhaps it's time to reconsider the life-long resistance to heroin addiction. Seriously! It's a literal shot in the arm!! I think a sustained opiate phase might be just the ticket about now. Well, later this week. Or maybe after the next houseguests leave. (It could freak 'em out a little.)

Damn if I'm not having trouble enjoying looking forward to them, even. Though I know I'll have a fine & transporting time while they're here. But then they'll leave & it'll be Mudville all over again.

Sounds like depression, huh.

What is that idea, that definition of depression as anger turned inward? Or something else, turned against one's self? Who said that to me? It seemed like it might be useful next time the bell jar descended....

Comments

[wednes.livejournal.com]

I often find the whole "depression is anger turned inward" assertion is a good starting point toward figuring out what is wrong with me when I get too depressed to function. I often feel just on the brink of that, even when things are going well.

But when I sit down and make a list of all the things I want to change and how much progress I've made, I can come away feeling a bit better. On the other hand, if I make a list of all the terrible things i've endured up till this point in my life, and just how far I've come, i end up feeling damn good.

Life is muchly about the love. And the more love you get, the more that eventually comes back. Sappy I know, but I swear its true.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Wednes, I'm really glad I came across you out there in blogland. Maybe I'll make some lists tonight.

(Hey, and I can pay you therapist rates for your input, and you won't NEED to get a job for a while!)

(Do you take credit cards??)

[wednes.livejournal.com]

That's funny! I used to be set up to take credit cards, as I was a long time phonesex gal.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

I considered that field for a time myself, but I'm kinda glad I never did it.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

By which, I should say, I don't mean anything judgmental about the gig. It's just that I'm already occasionally haunted a little in a way that feels creepy by some of the stories of clients of friends in that industry---so I figure if I had taken hundreds of those calls I'd have more of those sorta icky memories. (Of course maybe it'd just have made 'em all roll right off me, they'd be so commonplace.)

Anyway. That.