sick (and sick of it)

[fflo]

Have taken a turn for the worse, physiologically and psychologically (perhaps no coincidence). Can't shake the ailment; throat---and head---worse than at any point all week. And, after being esp.ly nervous bracing for H. call last night, was stood up. Shouldn't be surprised, I suppose, but didn't take it well. Have been shaky about all that lately anyway, and wondering why it seems to be getting harder, not easier, or even just staying more-or-less equally shitty.

It has been postulated that my being sick is making it harder to take that that situation is still going so painfully, and painfully slowly. Part of it, too, is surely that other break-ups I'm hearing about, while hardly smooth, at least seem to involve some well-meaning communication between parties. I still don't understand why H.'s attitude changed so dramatically for the worse after we separated, though at least I have plenty of theories I can revisit in trying to imagine an answer. Still, theories only help a little, and only in one vein, and that's probably not the most important, uh, metaphorical blood vessel for my good, er, circulation.

There was supposed to be an aspect, albeit perhaps a baby-steps one, of moving on this week. Ain't happenin'.

Comments

[vachementmoi.livejournal.com]

here's an idea...maybe write down your weekly goals for dealing with this breakup shit. like, for example, on sunday night you sit down and write out, 'this week, i am going to go out with a friend for a drink and not talk about H at all.' or, this week, i am going to talk with H about (insert whatever you need to deal with). make them small goals, and then work up to the larger stuff. i know this may sound silly, but they (whoever 'they' are) say that writing down our goals makes it much more likely you will attain them. just a thought. thinking about you.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Not a bad idea, Meesha. Not bad at all. The only catch I see is the one-two combination punch of not being able to force her to participate (where her participation is necessary) and, since I'm not (when it comes down to it) eager for a confrontation either, not feeling able, when an appropriate time comes for it, to force communication on her (or even just bombard her with attempts at contact). The trump card always seems to be hers.

I do have some ideas in mind for dealing with some of it, but I'll be vague here since we're in unprotected space. Some of it, though, will still have to involve her.

And then there's that damned pesky emotional element of still loving the woman. . . .