midweek boring-ass evening in the company of that lisa person again

[fflo]

I went ahead and watched "Lost," though I'm pretty much only going through the motions. How little I'm invested in the program became clear when I couldn't remember, during the last hiatus, whether the show had ended for good. Or I didn't care to remember.

Tonight my neck and shoulders hurt, as if I'd spent hours using muscles in them that I don't ordinarily use. Only I didn't. I feel a little intoxicated in the noggin, too, despite having engaged in no intoxication. That I know of.

Picked up the large print edition (first available) of a recommended mystery novel. Doesn't seem the time to start it, in this state. Seems more the time to go to sleep early.

Do these all feel about the same degree different to you? If not, which ones are the most different?

• being inside vs. being outside
• being in your own company vs. being in that of other humans or another human
• being in public vs. being in private
• being at work vs. being not at work
• being naked vs. being clothed
• being in silence vs. being in music
• being in the water vs. being on land, not in water
• being home vs. being not at home

It's a pretty apples-and-oranges query, I know. Recall that I feel a little intoxicated & inexplicably sore; perhaps I can't be responsible for myself in terms of coherence.

Hey, I may just be very tired. I don't know why I would be, but one doesn't, always.

• being awake vs. being asleep

--- that one used to be a lot more clear-cut.

Comments

Here are my choices.

[madush69.livejournal.com]

• I usually prefer being inside
• I usually prefer being in the company of other humans or another human, or even better, a kitty!
• I usually prefer being in private, but enjoy getting out on the weekend
• When I was younger I preferred being at work, now I prefer being not at work
• I prefer being almost naked. Clothing is restrictive.
• I prefer being in music
• I prefer being in the water. It gives me bouoyancy (Is that spelled right?)
• During the week, I prefer being home.
• I prefer being asleep

Re: Here are my choices.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Hey. I like bouyoyancy, too. Don't think it's spelled right, but I know what you're talking about. :)

What I was wondering was which of these A-vs.-B things feel like the greatest (or least great) contrast. As in: is the difference between, say, being inside or outside a notably bigger difference to you, in "feel," than the difference between being alone or with others?

It's a weird question. Maybe too much of a mash-up. Cuz there are all sorts of kinds of feelings about these things, not to mention that quantifying and characterizing them is no small feat. I was just wondering which of the dichotomies feel the most dramatic or fundamentally different to folks.

Re: Here are my choices.

[madush69.livejournal.com]

I guess sometimes when I'm with others, I still feel totally alone, but if I'm outside, I know it's not as nice as being in a temperature controlled environment. (Outside is okay in Spring and fall, but mostly it's too hot, too wet, too cold, or too windy.)

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

• being at work vs. being not at work
always feels there. i sweat ridiculously and stinkily.

• being naked vs. being clothed
the one thing that's messing up my will to live with others again is that i won't be able to walk around naked as much.

• being in silence vs. being in music
liking the silence more and more. hating noise. not tolerating certain kinds of 'music.'

• being in the water vs. being on land, not in water
like the water. water makes me think, "good days." i like to be buoyed too. i like it when it's clean.

• being home vs. being not at home
there's no home, so this one is a perpetual difference. always out of place, or no place comfortable enough.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

I've had a hard time making "home" here. Was talking the other night of how going back to the one-person home here seems like it was way harder than making a one-person home from scratch, back in the day. But it is home, this place, such as it is, psychic foibles & all.

I wish you a feeling of home, shmizla. I wish you it soon. Meanwhile, occasional buoyancy? :) And nakedness!

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

thank you. i would like that feeling. i think it just feels like too much work to feel 'natural' and in any way spontaneous. that's what i miss. i know that most people don't feel like it's always all out of place (and then i think they can see that i do).

[fflo.livejournal.com]

maybe some can. and you tell some of us. :)

there's something in here---

it just feels like too much work to feel 'natural' and in any way spontaneous.

---that i was just thinking a therapist could perhaps do wonders with. or your famous introspection, even. what is it you are, VERY introspective?

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

i won't let any therapist mess with my "introspection" because it lets me not have to engage with stupid, offensive men who deems himself a philosopher. this was the stupid american man's way of asking, "why are you not saying anything? are you thinking about how stupid i am?" the answer, of course, is yes.

i am yet to call the woman about analysis and see what kind of 'commitment' they are talking about. in that department, i'd like to feel like i'm doing less labor, but i also don't think i want to be in full sync with the wide world, or that i can be.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

i meant the introspection applying, as might the therapist, to the frustrating-sounding "too much work" feeling. i was using the guy's word but not talking about the same thing. :)