experimental present tense

[fflo]

solitary day today. slept past noon. didn't set foot outside the house, even to retrieve the emptied trash can. no human contact but for a text exchange to establish that scrawlspace won't be at work thursday.

i wouldn't say it's doing a real number on me, like this sort of day sometimes does, sometimes has done. but i have had some swellings of fear that it might, which is almost the same thing, or can parlay into it easily enough. it's a disappearing from the planet thing. maybe a couple of you can imagine what i mean.

darkness falling so soon after i was up and moving, that's not good. prob'ly worse today cuz i was slow in getting it going once i did arise. and there was making a lousy dinner for myself, and other enemy stuff.

alright, it's done a bit of a number on me. if not a real number. but if not a real one, what? an irrational one? that fits, but the reals include the irrationals. and anyhow they're all imaginary numbers, this kind i'm talking about, no? but not transcendental. definitely not that. therefore it is fflo's conjecture that we're not gonna obtain a one-to-one correspondence with no math. ${\rm ha}$, ${\rm ha}$; ${\rm ha}$.

there's a new filter in the furnace, but i'm thinking i'd better do a little midnight vacuuming or something, just to plant some visible evidence for tomorrow that today happened. i need that, unless and until i can let go of days needing to have happened, or of the terror that when they don't, i'm disappearing---in danger of disappearing---with no witnesses, including, if i keep no vigil on it, myself. but hell, it's my witnessing it that's the problem.

makes for a crappy post, whatever it is, twitching in the gray matter and the stalwart red muscle.

Comments

[paperkingdoms]

Would being able to go purely imaginary help? Because that's also an option.

[bigfinedaddy.livejournal.com]

Ah, I should have gone through with my very late popover I considered last night. I did a driveby of my old house, and being that it is so near yours I almost drove past you to see if it looked like you were up. Clearly you would have been, since it was about 11:15.

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

i remember liking winter days when i didn't have anything to do. those were the days the therapist, while i had one, said were those before i had to be an adult. i still don't believe her. i still aspire to get back that feeling of being at ease and hoping to see people. i thought the silence was good (from the snow) and that the days were peaceful and slow enough. i haven't had those in a long time and maybe i'm going back this winter to see if i can have one like that. it's funny i have to go back to that place to have them and that i can't even imagine them in this country (because they've never happened).

if you go to your mailbox, my letter might be there. it's not a very happy letter, but it's a real one and it's on my new, cheap stationary that's friendly to the environment. it's so friendly, i couldn't write on both sides of the sheets, so you get a letter all one-sided, as if we were that rich.