nearly got into a fistfight this morning

[fflo]

Some woman in a white car behind me, impatient with how long it was taking me to zip into traffic at the turnaround on Packard in front of my vet's, started honking at me. The rear-view revealed that she thought gestures might help as well. I imagine she'd thought I could have made it into the left lane at one interval; I imagine she lacked the ability to imagine that I might want to get into the right lane immediately, as one would if one were taking one's old sick cat to the vet whose driveway is right there. I also imagine that she may be as uptight as suggested by elements of her physical appearance that I refrain from detailing here.

Regardless, I found no difficulty whatsoever getting in touch with my anger at that moment. I did have some difficulty staying in the car and petulantly delaying my subsequent entry into traffic, vs. getting out of the vehicle to walk back and explain to her exactly how much of an asshole she was being, and of what specific varieties. That's when the fisticuffs might have ensued.

Chester didn't seem scandalized in the least that I exhibited a gesture of my own, going with my theory that it's somehow more vulgar to display the middle finger with the thumb sticking out as well.

Lately I've experienced, more than a coupla times, the impulse toward bodily/physical expression of anger. Wonder vaguely, but only vaguely, whether I oughta keep an eye on that. And don't seem to care much that it's only vaguely. Nor whether, or to what extent, the anger might be masking or blocking, or standing in the stead of, something(s) else.

Pretty sure, however, that if I do clock somebody, I'll consider it a matter of concern.

There's a scene in Victor, Victoria in which James Garner, wanting to feel all het, goes into a dive fulla sailors, walks to the bar, and says nice and loud---more to the crowd, silenced by his entry, than to the bartender: "Milk." Poof, he's in the physical fight he was itching for. It's kind of a funny bit, if multiply stereotypical & supportive of the character's homophobia (which the film ultimately doesn't have a problem with, I'd suggest). But I can identify with him there, just now. Only not to prove anything about who I might or might not want to have sex with.

I haven't been in a physical fight of note since I was 20 or so, that I can think of. Not where I fought back, anyway. But I feel just about this close, where "this" ain't much, to wanting to knock the crap out of the next hostile idiot who pops up. Or get it knocked out of me in the attempt, or both, or whatever. And there seem to be plenty of idiot strangers presenting themselves and their hostile idiocies, as if to tell me they're ready to go.

It may be like the part of me who has to remind herself that I shouldn't, cuz I can't, just throw myself onto my hands on the floor in front of me and start walking on them, upside down, just cuz I can feel myself doing it. But I don't think it's much like that. I think it's more like other things.

Comments

[disclaimerwill.livejournal.com]

If that woman was as uptight as she seemed, then maybe your extra-strength, thumb-out single-deuce made her think you were throwing off gang signs at her, and she's now terrified that she's been marked by the Crips or something! Think positive! :)

[fflo.livejournal.com]

i like it. let her quiver.

[squirrelykat.livejournal.com]

i know what you're feeling. people are so impatient(and rude) why was her time so important!? for a few seconds more of waiting!? get up earlier if you need to get to work on time....we sort of miss that at our job, because of the flextime.
but, what i have realized, now that i have the peace sign magnets on my car
(front and back) is that i'm `representin' something, and those signs make me
think - when somebody is cranky with me, i now just wave at them, or give
them a peace sign! let people in, have others honking. just smile. it'll blow
them away.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

ha. well the peace sign on my rear end hadn't done much for her, 'cept maybe make her think i was blissing out & thus insufficiently aggressive for her taste. little did she know...

you and i may be on opposite trajectories this way. or i'm just embarking on a vacation from being chill about stranger shit.

[squirrelykat.livejournal.com]

don't get me wrong, i think we all get upset, wanna deck somebody. i get frustated, wanna yell, give a finger.....
but yes, some people might need a servin'/dose/thumpin' of reality.

[aabassplayer.livejournal.com]

Hood and trunk mounted cannons, I say! Hood and trunk mounted cannons for all!

[scrawlspace.livejournal.com]

I love it when pushy nut-jobs give me the opportunity to express my inner rage without guilt and without compromising any close relationships. And it's beautiful really---I sense or imagine that the misguided asshole's karma will continue to accelerate to the point of spontaneous combustion, while I, on the other hand, have just released a huge load of stuff that had built up, with one exquisitely felt gesture that was totally deserved by its recipient.

In other words, more power to you!

[fflo.livejournal.com]

:]

[scrawlspace.livejournal.com]

When I'm not PMS-ing or otherwise emotionally reactive, I will sometimes be able to do what squirrely-kat does too. Knowing that I've deflected smilingly and unruffled can be rewarding---usually I'm already feeling strong and happy at those moments, and nobody can shake me.

Some people just push the old button though. The white hot rage button.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

When I'm all unruffled, what I usually feel when the yahoo is all ballistic is puzzled. Cuz in such a space my non-brain self doesn't comprehend how or why people get so up in arms.

I'm glad your white hot rage button doesn't go off much on weekdays. Unless maybe it'd be at, say, a certain person I was rooting for another certain person's white hot rage button to go on and shortcircuit at the other day. Hint: person 1, mathematician; person 2, copy editor.

can't stop commenting...

[scrawlspace.livejournal.com]

Last time something along these lines happened to me, my sister was the front seat passenger, while my then 8yo nephew and 3yo Daniel were riding in the back. Someone was very rude, and I was already stressed out. I spontaneously yelled "Eat me, mutha fucka!!"

Total silence. Then...

Nephew: "I understood what all of that meant."

Daniel: "Should I be here?"

My sister and I could not stop laughing hysterically like shrews after that.

Re: can't stop commenting...

[fflo.livejournal.com]

" 'Should I be here?' "?!?!??!! TOO funny! i mean, j's report is funny, too, but...

And here I've been thinking you might wanna tut-tut me that I sorta forgot there were several children around the other day at the Washtenaw Dairy when I objected so loudly to my friends that I couldn't believe they didn't think this woman who'd just been there was fuckable.

I tut-tutted myself. As I realized, telling vjsmom about it, saying "fuck" around children when you mean (the meaning that means to) fuck seems worse than when you mean the curse. More shocking, anyway, because it's more unusual, as well as sorta overtly sexual.

Re: can't stop commenting...

[scrawlspace.livejournal.com]

My mom swore all the time and casually. I fight the impulse constantly, I really do! And am mostly successful---as far as I know, Daniel hasn't learned these words from me... I'm sure we've all warranted a tut-tut now and then, so here it is: it does seem more inappropriate to appropriately use the word "fuck" around children. Tut tut!

When mom stubbed her toe or forgot something important, she would recite the following in quick succession: "shit-fuck-piss-damn!"

Re: can't stop commenting...

[fflo.livejournal.com]

ha. did i tell you i practically had to beg to get my mother to say "fuck," which (she said) she'd never said aloud before in her life? she did say it for me. that's a loving mamma, i figure.

Re: can't stop commenting...

[sprig5.livejournal.com]

i went to this 9 yo's bday party the other day, and one of her lesbian moms-- the older, brooklyn-raised one-- kept saying fuck, asshole, etc. the 9 yo just shrugged, and when he mom suggested that she (the 9 yo) talked like that, she smiled and said, "No, that's you, Mema." I was quite scandalized though.

[sprig5.livejournal.com]

I have occasionally been angry, frustrated, depressed and felt the urge to punch a stranger. In the post office, I think! Reminds me, I gotta go to the P.O.!

I have also felt that someone (a boss I had years ago) wanted to kick me hard in the back. This boss was female, and verbally abusive. I have rarely felt something like that, and it was weird.

[sprig5.livejournal.com]

update: I mailed my packages at the p.o. (to fflo, disclaimerwill, etc.) w/o incident!