dedication

[fflo]

I've been thinking about that notion, and word, today. What it is to be dedicated, and what one dedicates when one dedicates in a transitive fashion. One dedicates reflexively, in a way. Dedicates one's self (to someone/thing) or dedicates something of one's creative production (to someone/thing). There's definitely something of one's attitude toward one's self in the mix. Something that takes itself seriously. And asks to be taken seriously.

Of course I know by now that thinking about a word in a linguistic way is often, in me, a squirreling off away from something else. This kind of observational self-consciousness can be good, helpful, though it can introduce unpleasantness of its own. But ultimately I'm not ambivalent on the wisdom of pursuing it, applying it. I was just e-mailing from a self-examined place to one not in that place, at least with regard to the subject at hand, with the realization that we may not be able to have the conversation I was hoping for at all. 'Slike different languages entirely.

Not looking inward may well be the better choice for some folks sometimes, or always, and for me, sometimes---but not always. Right now I aim to stick with paying attention.

Vague shit, I know. Sorry. It's kind of vague time mentally with me, this afternoon, post b-fast & ReUse & postcard flipping through; now at my library branch, where someone had left a brochure in the ladies' room stall for Girl Scout summer camps, inside the back cover of which was a list of 11 things for girls to do to build/bolster self-esteem (#11 being "Go to Girl Scout camp this summer!"---who knows how good that suggestion might prove). I thought all of the others savvy/legit enough, save #7 or 8---whichever one said to listen to your inner voices, cuz they'll steer you in the right direction in this regard (or words to that effect).

Are there not many of those Girl Scouts who have fucked-up inner voices already? Maybe not. It just stood out as disputable, vs. things like choosing to be around people with positive attitudes, or taking care of yourself physically, or saying "no" to doing things that aren't good for you. Perhaps I'll write to suggest they replace that inner voice one with "Two words: 'Thin Mints.'"

Yes, I've been a free agent of experience and thought today, floating around, seeing what meets me in the world, going with the fflo. The world has stuff to show me today.

That Bob Seger song "Main Street" is about a place that used to be on Ann Street in A².

Will I visit the Great Thistle Patch this afternoon? Paint the sign? Just keep wanderin'? I know not. I care not. Having the kind of freeform Saturday the inner voices never seem to want me to have, anymore, in the post-traumatic-shock days... So fuck #7 or 8. And I'll be drinkin' tonight. Two days in a row. Wooo!

Comments

[atleastdefiant.livejournal.com]

Your linguistic analysis always stimulates me, being a self-proclaimed lover of language but having scarcely the kind of intimacy with the rules that you have. But I wonder if your analysis, along with the observational self-consciousness it heralds, isn't more similar to the other person's staunch refusal to self-examine, isn't another way of getting distance from the raw place (or places) for which there are no words, or no words that will change anything anyway. I don't know. My thoughts are unpleasant spaghetti today. But I'm having fun imagining what the Great Thistle Patch could be...

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah, I think you're quite right there. Part of that's what I was trying to get at with the squirreling away. That I go spinning, swirling, pick-yer-verbing away from (usually it's) emotion with the examination of words themselves (among other things). The observation I'm trying to apply the curse (of thinkiness) to is when and how that happens, with the (kinda fuzzy) intent of practicing at least delaying it now and then, to have the option of being in the moment more. Like, when not stoned or in an unusually calm or serene head(/heart)space.

Words are in the all-too-synaptically-worn part of the brain for me, 'strue. Though what few formal rules about them I know came almost entirely from Latin class in 8th grade and tutoring people in hard-ass grammar classes at the community college. The facility is instinct---the kind of instinct built of (probably neurotically) well-worn pathways that got that way early in life.

I do manage to enjoy the facility, despite craving more flexibility of head habit.

Oh, and on the Thistle Patch---I just came in from a few hours in the back yard, & was thinking toward the end how hard it is not to get carried away with metaphor while dealing with gardening-type stuff. Almost as hard as it is not to be look up and be overwhelmed by all that there is to be done. It IS great practice for staying in the moment, though. (Wonder if that was part of the therapy of it for the fabled/holy Ruth...)

Say, tell me about your icon here?

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

Thin mints are disputable too! I assert that Samoas are better! :p

they are SO not!

[fflo.livejournal.com]

that is, if those are the coconutty ones

[wednes.livejournal.com]

The word "dedication" is kind of tricky for me. It reminds me of the way initiatory Wiccans use it, which is often to exclude other "fluffy" (read: fake) Wiccans who were not initiated by a coven (which is to say, solitary wiccans). It led to my refusing to identify as Wiccan even though I'm pretty much a modern Thelemite. So while I have no problem applying myself passionately to something, I don't use that word because of it's connotation.

I have a similar issue with that "Serenity prayer" they are always trying to make me say in Group. Even though it's technically secular (once you take out the first word), it has a negative Christian connotation for me. Not that I dislike Christians or anything, but it conjurs images of the people who hang giant "footprints" posters in their living room to show what a good Christian they are; then refuse to donate anything good to the canned food drive because "those people should get jobs and they wouldn't be hungry." Grrr.

But I digress.

The inner voice is a much trickier issue. Horror fans have a lot of good jokes about listening to the inner voice. If you didn't, how would you know where to hide the body? and so forth...
My own inner voice echoed the earliest and most pervasive sentiments directed at me during childhood. As such, it was derisive, malicious, unsympathetic, and generally thought I was a no one capable of nothing. So my goal was to erradicate my voice, rather to embrace what it said. The amazing thing was that as I gained emotional health, so did my inner voice. I even catch myself offering encouragement and talking myself out of negative behaviors!

And of course, the Tagalong (read: peanut butter patty) is, and always has been, superior to the Thin Mint in every conceivable way. Sorry. It had to be said. ;-}

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Well, push comes to shove, those peanut butter ones are my favorite, too. Mmmmm. I wonder when girl scout cookies happen again...

I like the horror fan line about the body. Also I have my own wariness regarding that that smacks of the christian. 'Course prob'bly every religion has its hypocrites. But that's hardly all that creepy about the Jesusites.

See my comment back to shmizla if you're curious about what got me thinking about dedicating.

very interesting etymology

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

from the OED (my emphasis)

[f. L. d{emac}dic{amac}t-, ppl. stem of d{emac}dic{amac}re to declare, proclaim, devote (to a deity) in a set form of words, to consecrate, f. DE- + dic{amac}re to say, proclaim, make over formally by words, a weak vb. from stem dic- of d{imac}c{ebreve}re to say, tell; cf. the adj. formative -dicus -saying, -telling; also abdicate. For the pa. pple., dedicate (see prec.) has been used, and in 16th c. the same form was used for the pa. tense, as if short for dedicated.]

Re: very interesting etymology

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Wow---a funny thing happened. I read your comment a few minutes ago, and thought how I really dig that part of the meaning you made boldface. I remember having a conversation with one of H's classmates at K-State about performative speech, if that was the phrase---it was stuff like "thank" and "bless"---in which the utterance, in the vocative-y sort of way ("thank you") is, in its very utterance, the meaning of the word. That is, you thank someone by saying "thank you", etc. What was most striking to me about that conversation at the time was the almost-palpable weirdness of me getting into that with her, when I was just the (often invisible) partner, and the others present having no apparent interest whatsoever in the matter, despite their being ostensibly her colleagues. The palpability being that I could tell I wasn't the only one feeling the weirdness of it (my partner, as I'm sure you'd imagine, first among 'em).

Anyway, so when I clicked to comment here I suddenly flashed on the time when I was an undergrad (well, a college student, more properly, i suppose) and I couldn't think of this one word, and it was driving me crazy. It was an adjective meaning devoted to something, and focused on it in a way that meant you'd pursue it or concentrate on it single-mindedly---which is part of what I'd told the several people I'd asked for help in finding the word. I could also give a few contexts for it, and a little description of syntax surrounding it, but no one could help me, and it'd gone on for DAYS. Until, finally, I saw this woman who was sort of my nemesis & described the word to her. Before I'd gotten even halfway through my now-practiced spiel, she said, "Oh---'dedicated'." And, of course, she was right.

But I hadn't thought at all about that incident (which used to worry me cuz of issues surrounding that woman) when I was thinking of 'dedication' the other day. I started thinking of the word then because a singer on NPR (the Brazilian guy who did the Bowie covers in The Life Aquatic) said, before singing his last number in the studio, that he was dedicating it to his daughter, and to all of us listening. And I thought about that practice, and how far from macho-American it struck me, and why that might be so.

After I did the post I heard NPR use the word in another context---seems the pope has followed in the tradition of the last pope by dedicating Palm Sunday to the young people (of the world, I guess). Thinking on how I'd said that what you dedicate seems to be something of your own, I rolled my eyes a little that the pope got to declare what a whole day is supposed to be about, or for. Or to whom it is to be given. I mean, what the fuck. Yeah, I guess the 'holy' day is his to say what 'God' wants it to mean this year. But why doesn't a pope ever have fun with that sort of power? I mean, I want a renegade pope! I want the pope to declare that God wants food coloring in all the civic fountains of Rome (there are some?) or that during May we should all have chocolate on at least two Tuesdays, or some shit like that. Biker tattoos on all cardinals! I mean, really. What a waste of influence.


---One other thing: I did some making formal with words this evening, burning stuff in the fire barrel in the back yard. That is a fun thing. If you have any ritual burning you'd like to so, you're welcome to bring it over here. Maybe at the end of the degree or something?

Re: very interesting etymology

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

i will have to think about that offer of incineration. there will be a lot of paper at the end of this journey, and it might be cathartic to see it burn. a lot of it is utter crap -- i got rid of it in the move last summer, but i think a lot of newly declared crap remains. a lot of former interest and former lives documented.

i do think a lot about how religious people believe more strongly that words are magic (they pray, if you can believe that), which i always thought was very pagan of them. i think people don't like to think about making over with words -- about the sorcery of the process. that's all i like about it :). that's where i'm closest to religion, as i do believe that the way you 'say' something does bring it to life, or not, as the case may be, and i often don't believe it's about what you say.

the brazilian singer denies my point in a way, however, in that those kinds of manhood truly do not appear in this country and part of his point was his content (the mention of daughter, personalization of listeners and song-writers etc.).

neither do various kinds of womanhood appear in this country, and i sorely miss them in the land of the most insidious misogyny i have ever seen.

but it is still magic that you can see the outlines of an entirely different world from how he said what he said when he said it. and dedication in that context is quite moving in that he is openly giving that world over to his daughter and to the listeners by the song with a dedication -- so they can do it too (because they get it; and if we get it, we can do it too!). quite nice, methinks.

Re: very interesting etymology

[fflo.livejournal.com]

yeh---methinks, too. indeed. it was a striking moment, and the perception of its oddness within this culture came with a sting. poked a well-worn place.

the land of the most insidious misogyny --- and that's sayin' somethin', i imagine. holy crap.

i have yet another dumb funny about 'dedication' --- i lay awake for a while in the middle of last night, and one of the fuzzy thoughts that wafted through me brain was that the word i couldn't find for days in college was 'determined,' not 'dedicated.' ha! i laughed as the hole in that blown-up balloon let out its hot air...

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

did that woman say 'determined' or 'dedicated'?

i always feel like 'determined' is 'dedicated to oneself' -- less showy somehow.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

she said 'determined'---she had the word i was after at the time.

it IS less showy. it's got gritted teeth, even. it goes with tension headaches if you're not careful. determination's lauded plenty where the protestant work ethic meets capitalism, and/but ('a'?) i'm a little suspicious of it. hope none of that is some sad reaction against its being un-ladylike, or not 'nice'.

so true

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

yes, it is potentially dedication to self-annihilation.

it could be 'a' -- and quite poetically so. there's a nice way 'a' covers the temporality of these contrasts by keeping the contrast 'mild' but persistent. so, for example, you spring could be here, 'a' you could still be sad and waiting, as they do in various traditional songs.

isn't it strange how lady-likeness and determination should be compatible, but they are not? or maybe they are, only not in the execution of goals for which i harbor even remote interest.

this just in

[fflo.livejournal.com]

hey, you're determined to do something, but dedicated to doing it. whaddaya s'pose _that_ means, if anything?

not nearly as mind-fuck-innarestin' as the and/but 'a'. who'da thought a conjunction could be all that.

Re: this just in

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

you don't want to get me starting on the fine distinctions between 'regular verbs and nouns' and gerunds, such as in 'i would like coffee' vs. 'i would like to have lived in x' vs. 'i would like being there.'

speaking of 'a' -- i was just discussing it with tiramisu e, who had never thought about the issue before (!), and we agreed that you can set up an entire 'establishing shot' in a piece of fiction just by using the conjunction.

e.g. she was living in ann arbor, 'a' she didn't have a car [the readers interject here, 'was she supposed to? is it necessary?']

i wrote a letter to the photo editor of the local paper in ns to complain about the shitty work they were doing showing images of the flood, and i said, "...[photographs are bad], [a] it's especially hard to see larger versions of these photographs, when it's possible at all."

ooooooo---

[fflo.livejournal.com]

that's 'a' little extra burn, yes? the (grammatical) implication being that the photographs being bad goes beyond the content of the latter clause? lots of potential with such a conjunction for the subtle diss, or the subtle in general. (of course maybe it just seems subtle to me cuz it's a mystery world.)

i like the idea of an opening sentence with the pregnant (not pause but) 'little' word. and, again, jealous that it don't work in my tongue.

Re: ooooooo---

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

i could have used the plain 'and' but 'a' works better there for emphasis.

i'ts kinda strange that the 'emphatic' conjunction is almost grammatically required. may say something about the inevitable theatricality of serbian(ness) :).

Re: very interesting etymology

[atleastdefiant.livejournal.com]

Very strangely, I was at a club Saturday night that was projecting The Life Aquatic on the far wall; of course I couldn't hear any dialogue or score over the drum n bass, but there it was. I grew up in a very "Greater than yourself" family--the idea that I had a larger, grander purpose than anyone else was drummed into me damn near daily, with all the attendant feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure. Dedications were a big deal, and kind of cheap. Any occasion or achievement called for libations, dedications, grandiose words. Now, instead of being touching, I tend to roll my eyes at them. They don't make me feel closer; they push me away. Public dedications, at least. Private ones to the self, or to another party unconscious or dead, those I respect. But public ones seem to be more for the glory of the speaker, ironically.

That's all about the act of dedication. The concept, of devoting something, that's entirely different. Something of the faith of the act resonates with me. My secret desire to shave my head and become a revolutionary nun, I guess. I like determine too; the concrete action it implies, the single-mindedness of focus on a goal or outcome. But that's also the source of my beef with it: it doesn't have room for flexibility, or a change of mind after greater insight. Too many variables abound.

Now I need a box of Samosas.