fflo | gumption

that's a good word, isn't it.

i won $3 last night at the pool table from a somewhat goofy sad happy affable tall guy, funny, mostly, with his bravado that "it's raining men" came out in '81. which was when he did, too. came out. get it? ha ha. anyway i thought the song was from later than that, thinking back on the grainy projected video in the bars. finally somebody i tried hitting up for it had the internet in his pocket & i prevailed--- it was '82. phew. i was thinking more like '85. but i took the money.

affable guy was in a 10-year relationship right after he came out. suggested that might be part of how he's alive today.

then there was the capricorn in the necktie, and the pisces & the cancer i liked so well. and the others. what got into me, i wonder. conditions were right, i guess.

barely made it to

shmizla's yoga expo today.

shmizla is quite something, it turns out, in yet another way.

i had been wiping out the lazy susan, having emptied it completely, getting down to business about those particular cobwebs i'd only half-assédly gotten after before. suddenly i thought i oughta check the time for the bending bodies. it was only 15 minutes off. all the stuff i didn't toss is still out in the kitchen. gonna be a two-day thing after all.

in recent weeks the idea behind one particular expression has come to me several times. i give you the idea to meditate upon, should you think it might serve:

look: again, it's that —
the baby with the bath.
the baby with the bathwater,
baby with the bathwater.

and there it is again,
the baby with the bath;
the baby with the bath,
again.

was thinking this morning how i've got some stuff to work out. trying to hope i'll rise to it. to them, rather--- more than one it. i might well turn out to have the energy, the faith, the courage, and the gumption. it's the will. cuz it is optional. and it's so tempting just not to. not to cinch yourself up, muster what you've got, and give it a go. if you don't have to. since you don't have to. unless you do pretty much have to.

it's like this ("what---vague, double-talky & confusing?" well, yeah!): there's dealing, and there's dealing. i'd like to deal. now that i can kinda deal, much of the time. if you don't go ahead and really deal, the only way to keep dealing is to deal away all the real-deal dealing. and be left merely dealing.

i think it'd be easier if i had a belief in my strength of character that went back a long way. the roots of that thing aren't very deep in me at all.

gumption = faith + energy + courage?

if you've got the answer on that equation, maybe you can also point me to which pocket it is i've got the will stuffed in.

it's like a lighter. you know you've got it somewhere. you just had it a minute ago, didn't you?

chuckle chuckle, ha.