a dream of a local lesbian bar, and nothing, really, in the driveway

[fflo]

So while I was asleep last night I went off to meet lovelikeyeast at the local lesbian bar (note to non-locals: we don't have a lesbian bar). Or I must have done, cuz when the dream opened I'd arrived there; she hadn't yet. It was dark. Black floors and walls and tables; no music. At the corner of the bar I saw somebody I think was onstar, but maybe not... somebody I knew & spoke to for a few minutes, jovially. And then I saw these two women I apparently knew from the bar, though I'd forgotten their names and had to ask for a reminder (Mary and Fiorelle, of all things). They did seem familiar. I introduced them to maybe-Debbie.

Then there was another woman there, called Sheryl (definitely with an S-). At first it was true that I hadn't known her before, but then when LLY showed up, and she knew her from way back, and she offered to introduce us, I said (cuz now it was true, and an understatement) "I believe we've met" and Sheryl said, "Yes, I only came to your place on a Friday night and stayed until I left Saturday with Meaty Man" (big wink-winks throughout). And that was apparently true, whoever Meaty Man was, but all I could think was how I wanted to tell LLY as soon as possible how minimal and mediocre the fooling around had been in my bed that night with this Sheryl. This imperative had something to do with LLY's knowing the woman from way back.

Sheryl disappeared and LLY & I started to look down a cocktail-menu sort of list of round-ish viney stylized logo-like medalliony things---at the time they reminded me of illustrations in that Jeannette Winterson book with the fairy tale element (whichever one that was), but they had more in common stylistically with those ornate letters that make the first letter of the first word of the first paragraph on a page in an old novel, if you know what I mean. The list was a list of these designations for, or commemorations of, the regulars at the bar---seven or eight of them, anyway. There were words spelled out all curly inside each design. Sheryl was one of the regulars so honored, apparently, and we knew this and were trying to pick hers out based on the nickname/words/notes. That may have been when I found out that the name of the bar, which was called (when speaking) "Anxiety," was spelled "Glinic" --- or "Clinic" with a fancy C, maybe. I was just starting to wonder about that name, anyway, when I woke up.

Main moral of the story I came up with this morning: virtual drinks with lovelikeyeast are better than none.

- = - = -
   later
= - = - =

Okay. Got home tonight and, in the pause of sitting in the driveway that I indulge in now and then, I realized I wanted to weep. The big ball of wanna-weep was welled up good, pushing on the surface. Dialated 9 cm. Something like that. Nice and imminent, or feeling potentially so. And so I tried to surrender to it. I gave in, as one does (or I do), sometimes---sort of formally/officially---made the space and set out to let go, see how it went. Then as soon as the first quiet leak caused the first moisture to touch my face, the whole business kinda smoothly, casually, retreated back down, and soon was not near accessible.

Don't you hate when that happens?

If I knew what-all the weeping impulse was about, would it be any better? Could I then torment myself with tailored thoughts of it until I couldn't take it any more and bawled like a baby? That doesn't sound so good either.

Comments

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

yes, sometimes it's better just to let it leak, esp some days in the month. it's odd when it won't although it feels like it should, but i'm also thinking it's a good thing to see "first hand" how it was just teasing you.

i think it's happened to me a few times too, but can't remember exactly when, although i do remember it was informative to see my "true" emotions dissipate like that. and true they feel all the time! little bastards.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

little bastards, indeed!

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

have the little bastards gone home?

[fflo.livejournal.com]

the little bastards play hide and seek

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

and they are always young and tireless. little shits.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

seriously! then they decide to play Whack-a-'Ff'lo and prove to have excellent reflexes as well.

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

i know! talk about brats! where are those parents when you need them?

[scrawlspace.livejournal.com]

That's quite a dream, fflo. Very involved and lucid, like PMS dreams are for me. I like to blame incipient weeping on PMS too, but it's more likely that I'm in touch with some sadness when my body is run down---from hormonal shifts or any other reason. Like lack of sleep. Like too much sitting in front of a computer. Like a cold virus.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Or like, you know, life.

I'm aiming not to be snarky, but to feel comfort in the notion, as I type it, but I'm distracted cuz the (new?) awning in front of me here at Mallett's Creek has just done an automatic extension of itself by electric means triggered by some mysterious input, and the whole atmosphere has changed.

I am not ready for my neighborhood potluck, T, which starts soon. I seem to be resisting. And I've had no coffee today.

[bigfinedaddy.livejournal.com]

Perhaps we should go get some coffee, then, as we're sitting here next to each other silently and not visiting at all. I won't hold it against you that you didn't invite me to the imaginary lesbian bar (where I am a total Fonz, by the way.)

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

BFD, such fine ideas you always have! long time no coffee had.

[bigfinedaddy.livejournal.com]

Yes, let's have some coffee together soon. I'd love to see you.

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

sounds like another great idea!

[fflo.livejournal.com]

That must have been you all the ladeez were surrounding back at the booth in the corner. How could I have seen you in that crowd?

Funny, as we sat there typing I was thinking I ought to make sure to give you a little time to do whatever you were doing, as I knew you hadn't been on there long, despite my deadline, cuz I know you don't like to be rushed. :-)

[lovelikeyeast.livejournal.com]

What a dream! Well, we'll have to have drinks for real. If not at a real lesbian bar. And if the fonz shows up, all the better!

I am such a weeper, I will weep at the drop of a hat at any given time, sad, happy, whatever. It can be humiliating, but when it happens in private? Why not? Give in to the weep. Let the weep have its way with you.

[bigfinedaddy.livejournal.com]

The Fonz would be absolutely delighted to show up for that. I would love for us all to have some drinks together.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Oh I envy you that fluidity, LLY. I think it's harder/rarer for me alone, believe it or not. But it hardly ever seems to come easy, regardless of the company. And I don't know where the muscle is to unclench it. If that's what it is.

So, let's drink to that. Or to something else. What you doing at the end of this week?