Administration Explains NSA Monitoring of U.S. Bathrooms

[fflo]

May 12
Washington DC

In an uncharacteristically prompt response to reaction surrounding the latest leak of NSA terrorist-fighting activities, the Bush Administration sent none other than the President himself to address the controversy, which erupted after TV Guide, not usually known for its investigative journalism, broke the story of extensive video monitoring by the National Security Administration of activity in U.S. bathrooms. Although the President did not confirm or deny the program, which was said to include more than 450 million bathrooms, public and private, he did say that the NSA has gotten better and better at processing data, that no names and addresses of anyone involved in such a program, if it existed, would be monitored in direct association with their hand-washing habits, and that all surveillance in such a program, if it existed, would not only be legal but would focus only on observing patterns of toilet paper usage that might lead to uncovering terrorism. Asked whether such an effort, if it existed, might include analysis of audio tracks, for review of such factors as semi-verbal indications of dialect and any relationship to terrorist activities, the President declined to comment.

For the briefing, the President wore a tie of an especially manly color of red, and joked with reporters about his role as spokesperson for his own Administration's operatives. "I guess they thought I was the best-looking one," he chuckled, and then concluded with "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to use the bathroom!"

A CNN/Gallup poll showed that 72% of respondents agree that it's important to keep a sense of humor in the face of what will probably turn out to be petty, meaningless accusations. Democratic comment on the issue is already muffled, and expected to die down entirely before the end of the day.

Comments

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

yes, traiing is very difficult to undo (if possible at all). in my experience, it had everything to do with people being able to imagine themselves living like dogs, as opposed to living like 'liberators' or 'beacons of democracy' or 'perpetual victims'. who's gonna want to be the prick and have historical evidence for it too? or who's gonna admit that they voted (i.e. enjoyed their democratic right) for the express purpose of installing someone ther who'll proceed to fuck them over in perpetuity?

one minor difference between your peopleses and mine was that mine were amateur (small-scale) imperialists, and sucked even at the little imperialism they tried to engage in. yours seem more efficient (even if their ideological underpinnings leave us laughing), but the world's disdain seems about equal, which is usually a good sign to watch for.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

yes, well... our earliest imperialism secured resources that led to money, and then too being left (relatively) alone over here may've helped too. i dunno. i'm not too educated in histories, even the -of-wars-and-armies kind, so probably shouldn't talk of it in any way that suggests my musings should be taken seriously. but then again, i personally find the most credible, just by knee-jerk instinct, to be those who seem to question anything that looks like spoon-fed party line crap, so i suppose i merit something by my own standards that way.

the world's disdain---yes. i'm sure there's a good personal metaphor. like if all your friends are talking about how bad your bad breath is, maybe you really might have halitosis?