another really good day

[fflo]

I still haven't told you what was weird the other day. Soon.

Today was chock-full. Some nuts, yes.

My new (temporary best) buddy (and virtual shadow) Bessie Mae & I spent the day together. It was a beautiful day for January 13th; mostly sunny, low 60s. We went hiking in rocky woods & stopped by the (state park) spa (I got the Roman bath & massage while she waited in the car---but she was fine with that) & walked around & scoped out a junk shop (well, she waited in the car) & chatted with people & had a picnic with food from the Sheetz's (where you use a touchscreen monitor to order exactly what you want on yer sandwich) & did a little more woodsy wandering before returning (to the '50's mod) home, where LA was waiting for us (with the news that L did well on the opening day of the book show). Talk, stroll, dinner, talk, home, talk, pictures, talk, bones (I rallied but lost by 15), talk, & (soon) bed.

When thoughts of Holly moisten my eyeballs here, it doesn't feel bad. Though she never visited this particular house, part of what I bring with me is the we we were with L & LA, and the memory of the H-bomb herself; as LA says, they really bonded with her. There's something I like about that (often unspoken) context of their own old love for her, and their knowing, through gut experience as much as conscious observation, so much of what I loved about the woman. It's meaningful & touching & helpful to me---on top of the simple warmth & comfort I enter into here. Not that I don't appreciate all the folk who shined flashlights on her lousiness, or who help(ed) me see what was really crazy when I felt crazy, or got mad at her & (thus) modeled "mad" for me. I salute you/them all. This thing is good, too, though, in a way that helps with the other thing, oddly enough.

I keep restraining myself from saying everything I'm thinking about it. A down side of this atmosphere is that I have some kind of reflexive inclination to proceed to talk to H herself about it, as I did with such notions when she was around. There are still moments in which it feels quite unnatural that that option is not easily at hand.

It was pouring rain out there for a good bit, loudly and unsubtly. Seems to've tailed off now to a steady background patter of showers, such that one hardly notices.

Has a lull-you-to-sleep quality, too, which I'll heed now.

Comments

[paperkingdoms]

I'm glad you're in a good space. ::hugs::

And I'm *so* jealous that you got to have Sheetz! [Since I didn't drive this past time, I didn't pass through Sheetz territory. They don't quite make it as far east as my parents are.]

good things

[shmizla.livejournal.com]

yes, it is quite unnatural, and still quite good, that she's dead for all practical purposes. i always hope i can model *indifferent rather than *mad. i think mad isn't helpful in the long run, but indifferent is great. indifferent is free and self-loving and undead yourself.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

I thought you were the Sheetzian! (Sheetzophile?) I knew there was one of my friends' list somewhere. Yeah, they're cool. Clean. Bright oases in a long night of driving. Major minus, though: they don't carry postcards. I'm actually thinking of writing to the Head Sheetz about it. They certainly have room for postcard racks. Could put 'em right by the Rand McNally map spinner every Sheetz seems to have.

I wonder if the problem is that postcards are local & probably not distributed out of one central spot in Sheetz territory.

Re: good things

[fflo.livejournal.com]

O, you have done, O. That modeling, that is.

Mad was a necessary gear to shift through, given the torn-up stretch of road I suddenly found myself in, and my clutch had been sticking. And yeah, mad for the long run would be stuck, too.

There's indifferent & there's indifferent, and one of 'em I believe I've got, or darn near. One of 'em I don't, and (wisely & foolishly) don't even aim for. And okay, they're differing theoretical indifferences in relation to which I locate myself variously at times. But whatever. I'd blather on about my vague notion of the subjects/angles of these indifferences, but I just had a pizza delivered. Saved by the bell pepper, pineapple, and feta!

Pizza good. Freedom & self-loving good. Undead to be sought, to be sure!

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Ah, Peter. Is there anything I can say to discourage you from perpetuating within yourself the notion that all those years were wasted, or to get you to recant that self-abusive-sounding line about Riin's big mistake? Puh-LEEZE. (Not to mention she seems not to've been quite as smooth at that moving on thing as she'd intended, if you know what I mean.)

I'm nuts, sure, but not nuts to've entered into the relationship/partnership to begin with. Surely there are aspects of your experience that were valuable?

I mean, hell, maybe there weren't. You'd know better than I, of course. I guess I just wish you some peace about it. Easier for me to say, perhaps, as I'm a little further down the tracks from my train wreck than you are from yours.

[peteralway.livejournal.com]

Oops. I guess I was a little over-the-top there. I just removed that comment, but for the record I'll leave an appreciation for the wisdom of your entry.

[paperkingdoms]

And nobody makes nachos like they do. Particularly at 2am. ;^)

Hmm. You'd think that'd be a possibility. I s'pose they are expanding to cover a slightly larger area... but still. You should write.