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I keep not dealing well with Things.
May. 4th, 2018 03:20 pmThings keep feeling overwhelming. The impulse to shut down and not deal with Things is strong. But I only have myself to count on. So I can't do that. Right? (Say "Right," Lisa.) (C'mon, girl.) I have been shutting down, in stretches, when I can get a shut-down mechanism to work. I'm not even keeping up with Things. I hate Things. I don't like that I hate Things.
I also really hate being close to tears when not in a tear-friendly situation. I don't know why-all I feel so vulnerable these days, but I sure do.
It seems like lotsa Things just keep getting worse, harder, more hopeless, deteriorating, etc. And, in little ways here and there, piling on, lonesomer.
Plus it seems like I am never gonna get out of debt. I almost hate getting close-ish to it again, like an oasis I'll never reach, and like progress isn't gonna help with the next kick in the teeth. Lots of the words for torture have a tease / bait / entice-and-deny meaning. Sisyphus. Sirens (the women, not the alarms named after them). The x axis on the debt reduction chart.
I'll deal with what I have to deal with. Cuz I have to. I need to be a better friend to myself, and help me out. I want to be a better friend to myself, and help me out. Including somehow not asking more of myself than I can manage, even if I need it, or sure could use it, and sure don't feel like I've got what it takes.
It gets weird fast, thinking about one's relationship with oneself.
( ... )
I also really hate being close to tears when not in a tear-friendly situation. I don't know why-all I feel so vulnerable these days, but I sure do.
It seems like lotsa Things just keep getting worse, harder, more hopeless, deteriorating, etc. And, in little ways here and there, piling on, lonesomer.
Plus it seems like I am never gonna get out of debt. I almost hate getting close-ish to it again, like an oasis I'll never reach, and like progress isn't gonna help with the next kick in the teeth. Lots of the words for torture have a tease / bait / entice-and-deny meaning. Sisyphus. Sirens (the women, not the alarms named after them). The x axis on the debt reduction chart.
I'll deal with what I have to deal with. Cuz I have to. I need to be a better friend to myself, and help me out. I want to be a better friend to myself, and help me out. Including somehow not asking more of myself than I can manage, even if I need it, or sure could use it, and sure don't feel like I've got what it takes.
It gets weird fast, thinking about one's relationship with oneself.
( ... )
