anger & resentment

[fflo]

How does one know---or does one know?---when these feelings are perilous invitations down the path to the very kind of (fer instance) petulance that has inspired them? That is to say, is it or isn't it dangerous or unwise to go there, whole-hog? Or is the only way to transcend them to delve into them deeply, if not outright wallowingly?

I guess I coulda made it a poll, with all that as the one question, and asked people to answer its annoying vagueness in (what is it) 255 characters or fewer.

I've got this book out on Buddhist practice & agnosticism, and it's resonating all over for me. I suppose its take would be just to observe the feelings. And I have been observing them. That observation brings about more feelings, like frustration and fear. Is it stirring the pot? Or is it (okay I'm being facetious now) a watched pot not boiling, or a pot referring to a kettle's similar color as if it's bad, or some other pot metaphor?

In other news: a big day at the office. Sad, but a prompting to celebrate our finest fellows while we have 'em, and afterwards. Had a good conversation this evening with coworker, too, that was prompted by a related accident & felt really good. Thought about her while reading the Buddhist book later, putting off The Cocoanuts. It's hard to explain---or even to understand fully---how my workplace is so not just a workplace, even when I (occasionally) wish it were (as others there sometimes also do). Oh, of course it IS just a workplace, too, and it is all of what a workplace is...

No, I'm not in an altered state. I suppose I could cite not having gotten much sleep last night. The rain's just starting to deplete the mugginess here, so we'll see how well I catch up tonight. Last night it wasn't the less-than-ideal sleeping weather that kept me up but a burst of some kind of creative/emotional energy which came on fairly late in the evening & with which I didn't want to part consciousness by surrendering to the Sandman. (Alas, "Sandperson" is just too mod for such a figure.)

I blew off this evening's planned chores, yielding to the psyche's desire, including the impulse to go eat a sandwich in air conditioning & write an overdue letter to snail mail correspondent T"E'R'W"T. It does put me behind on my "should"s & my "gotta"s, but so be it.

I shall now close with the latest (of the unusually many) wrong number messages I've gotten in the last week---from Sarah Vowell, I swear to god, or at least her audio Doppelganger: "mm-Hi. Just calling you to say hi. Didn't call all day & wondered how you're doing, nothing special honey. Bye."

Comments

[wednes.livejournal.com]

That really is one of those eternal questions. I tend to leap headlong into whatever I'm feeling at the moment, and my life often suffers the consequences of my impulsive and emotional behavior. So that is not always reccomended. At the same time, exploring the rough stuff is how we become more self aware assuming that's what you're going for. Sometimes I really feel like figuring myself out; other times I just want to feel better.

However, you seem to be much less impulsive and moody than I. And you always seem to have a reflective way of dealing with difficult feelings. So YMMV.

Rambling enough for ya? Sorry.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Ah, hell, girl---rambly is probably the most appropriate response. It's that play back and forth between the impulses that's the crux of the question, after all. I appreciate your offering these thoughts.

I probably do err on the side of caution in this sort of stuff, to say the least. (TSTL---hmmm.) (Must expand abbrs to crazy lengths! Trying on initials of various pithy saying-like language snippets...)

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

Well hey, it's always good to know you're on such intimate terms with Sarah Vowell!

[lovelikeyeast.livejournal.com]

Heya! Coming back from the depths before plunging again:

Completely ignoring the resentment seems to be bad news. It always bites you on the ass or at any rate, continues to fester unchecked that way, often growing stronger over the years of feeding it with righteousness, rarely dissipating.

Listening to it without fully participating can be good. Those buddhists are smart. Not fully engaging, you can sometimes guide your thoughts and still have feelings--and question "where is that coming from, really?" and "what hurts most about that?" and "casually" ponder the other feelings these things are usually triggering that are often deeply rooted and pre-date whatever incident/situation triggered them. Though new things can and do upset me, I find the things that cause serious resentment are exactly that--old pain, brought to the surface by newer circumstances.

If you can identify something old it's bringing up for you, you can be less of its bitch. Oh, that crusty companion who causes you so much pain (but is familiar and brings its own bitter comfort).

All of this is a little like facilitating a group therapy session, where you are the concerned counselor listening to the various pains and gripes of the participants, your various feelings.

Sorry for the therapy talk--I am not always good at keeping to this technique, but when I am it's really helpful for me!

And I look forward to catching up when back in town next week... Hope you have a great weekend --xoxo

[peteralway.livejournal.com]

Mmmm...Sarah Vowell. She sounds so geeky and awkward...I think I've been in love with her for some time...but now she's a big movie star, hanging out with those superhero voice-over artists.

God, I hope I never find out what she looks like. For now I can imagine her the perfect woman--sexy in a way that only I can see, and that everyone else in the world would find repulsive.

Short end of the stick...

[trollhagen.livejournal.com]

How does one know---or does one know?---when these feelings are perilous invitations down the path to the very kind of (fer instance) petulance that has inspired them?

If wish I knew! Overall, I think if such feelings lead you to better understand your behavior, and perhaps prevent similar situations in the future, then dwelling on anger/resentment may be positive.

Often, though, I cross that line into just depressing myself. It's hard to turn off feelings or change the direction of a train of thought (hmmm, a mental train-direction-changer-thingie -- turntable? -- would be handy!), but at some point it becomes unproductive.

That being said, I still think about things that happened four years ago, three years, etc. that bug me even after all that time. Sigh.

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Thanks, LLY! That's some good stuff. I particularly like "you can be less of its bitch"---cuz that's a big part of the bugaboo of it for me. Want to experience & "process" (if that word isn't too ruined for ya) but not ----well, you know.

Here's to your having a blast at NOLOSE!

[fflo.livejournal.com]

hanging out with those superhero voice-over artists

Love it.

I've seen her on Letterman---she looks an awful lot like a dour soul I used to know, and that didn't stand her in good stead with me initially. But now I've separated her from that other in my mind, and also managed to bring back what I liked about that other, so it's all good.

Re: Short end of the stick...

[fflo.livejournal.com]

There it is, hunh. Not one or the other, really.

This morning I already feel a little more peaceful about it---I just get surges of this particular niggling poking now & then, as there's an ongoing aspect to its irritating input. Fundamentally I'm confident not only of my right to my feelings (which I know shouldn't take convincing myself but sometimes does) but also of my behavioral stance with this one. So there's something helpful about checking in on & reaffirming that confidence.

How it might echo other insufficiently realized/expressed angers, who knows. I'm sure there's some of that, too. Anyway, thanks for chiming in! And who is that fine cat, looking so directly at the camera?

Re: Short end of the stick...

[trollhagen.livejournal.com]

That fine cat is Bizo, a dilute tortie. She found me three years ago as a stray. She gets along with my other cat, Jimo, just fine, which not everyone does... Which is to say, he's the sweetest cat ever and humans love him, but all other cats (aside from Bizo that is) seem to see a sign on his forehead the reads "Kick me!". Poor guy!

Re: Short end of the stick...

[fflo.livejournal.com]

Poor fella, indeed! Do you always give cats names that end in -o?

Re: Short end of the stick...

[trollhagen.livejournal.com]

Do you always give cats names that end in -o?

Actually, those aren't their real names!

Neither of their real names ends in o, and one of them was already named when I got him, in any case.

Because I keep my live journal mainly for friends who aren't live journal users, I don't friends-protect my posts. As such, I have to be somewhat stealthy about my identity... Not that someone smart couldn't figure out the clues if they really wanted to, BUT, say, my boss could not easily find what I say about him by searching for key words, say. (Not that I'm paranoid, of course. Noooo...) So the cats go incognito, too. :)

Re: Short end of the stick...

[fflo.livejournal.com]

ah! so was that really you I met in the library?? ha ha